The Big Ass List Of: Weird Magical Items

[NaughtyOtsel]

[shadow=red,left,300]The Big Ass List Of
Weird Magical Artifacts[/shadow]

Yes we've all heard of the oldies but goodies like Vorpal swords, invisibility rings, belts of strength, and cloaks of a thousand eyes. But what about the weird stuff? THe possibly cursed stupid stuff! The magical items that explorers leave behind or possibly try and bury to get rid of? Well...everybody needs cursed, weird, and generally bizzare items, even if some are kind of useless. But all in good fun.

By the way, I remember four years ago somebody had like the "Top 100 D&D Items You'll Never See" or something like that, in a forum, somewhere. Wish I could find it...because some of them were really funny. It was just names with nothing more about them but titles, but cool anyway. If anybody has it, or can find it that'd be great.

Anyway....The start of the list:

1.) Cement boots of the Elven Mafia

They look like regular lace up leather boots...until you put them on! They weight like a ton and will drag your ass down like cement shoes! Oh yeah, forgot to mention...you can't take them off without the correct spell words...and uh...nobody can remember what those are exactly ^`^

2.) Helm of concussion

Resembles at first glance..and until first use, a +2 Helm of Defense. You put it on and well, all blunt trauma seemed to be directed at your head through magical means! Ingenius! Makes a great gift for your ex.

3.) Helm of Face Eating

This helm isn't really a helment, but instead a type of face eating crab that just LOOKS like one. Really it only pinches noses and pulls out eyebrows..but when it's all up in your grill and you can't get the helmet off and it's making that chittering ::shudder:: yeah, helm of face eating. Buy yours today!

4.) Bandaid of wounding

This bandaid is ingenius; the more you use 'em , the more blood comes. True...your wound won't get infected, but it just so messes up your clothes. Vampires would like this, put this on their prepubecent boy drink of the day and always have instant gratification...or something. OH yeah, and since you have to keep buying them, think of all the money the company makes at YOUR expense! AHAHAHAHAAH! Brought to you by your friends at Pico Tech

5.) Cockring of Animal Friendship

Ah yes, the God Cockring! The Elemental Cockring! The UR Cockring! One Cockring to "Rule" Them all! Not only does this ring give its user more "endurance and stamina" but animals also love and trust the wearer! Take this as you will folks, but lets just say that with The Cockring of Animal Friendship, good old Bambi'll never say no again ::wink wink::

6.) Circlet of Anvil Attraction

This fancy silver and gold woven circlet is bitchin'! Notice the cute little ruby anvil in the center...wear this and all the anvils will come right to you! (Aimed at your head unfortunately...)

7.) Scroll of Instant Hole

Unroll the scroll and summon the giant bottomless hole!!

8.) Scroll of Cartoon Physics

Bugs Bunny ain't got nothin' on you...for one thing this scroll lets you do all sorts of fun cartoon physics stuff (rubber body, walking over thin air as long as you don't look down, painting walls that look just like the surrounding area, summon acme products etc etc) AND you get to keep your pants

9.) Cloak of Neon Advertisements

10.) Tongue Ring of Expletives

11.) Vorpal Pizza Cutter

12.) 9 iron +5

13.) Boots of the Barnicale (lets you cling to any surface...permanently!)

14.) Scroll of Summon Fangirl (to get rid of all those annoyingly pretty male wizards you have to fight)

15.) Sombrero of the Abyss (do a little dance, summon Cthulhu)

16.) Badger-chucks

17.) Bigby's Middle Finger: A giant hand appears and flips your enemy the bird, repeatedly, until dispelled. Show those orcs you mean business!